I'm not a man anymore...

I have to hang my head in shame.  I've completely let down my gender and no longer have the right to consider myself a man.  Laura had Back To School Night last night and so I had an evening to myself.  I failed miserably at any and all manly things that I might have done. 

 

Failure 1:  I went shopping.  How girlie can you get?  It wasn't even manly shopping (though I was shopping for camera gear).  I didn't go in, find exactly what I wanted, pay for it, scratch my crotch and then leave.  I walked around and browsed, looking at this and that.  I finally decided on one or two things and purchased them.  I didn't realize what I'd done till I got to the car.  I even comparison shopped.  Before going into the camera store, I went to Comp-USA across the parking lot from Penn Camera.  They had what I was looking for, but it was $50 more expensive. 

 

Failure 2:  I went shopping again.  I needed a hat for running.  At night it is hard to run on the sidewalk because the lights from oncoming cars blind you.  A hat with a brim makes it so you can block them out.  Normal baseball hats aren't good because they don't react well to the volume of sweat I put out.  I found a hat that I liked, but it didn't fit.  I asked the sales person if they had any bigger sizes.  She kindly (and with much pity for this obviously confused girly-man) informed me that that was the largest size they have in the WOMEN'S hats.  Feeling my testicles shrink, I tried to mumble something manly and left the store.... checking out of the corner of my eye to see if anyone else was in the store to witness my embarrassment. 

 

Failure 3:  I figured I'd redeem myself by going next door and buying some beer.  What could be more manly than buying some brewskis and drinking them while watching sports.  I went in and grabbed some beer. I tried to resist the temptation to browse, but couldn't.  I did manage to limit my foraging to getting 3 or 4 other things besides my manly redemption.  I noticed that they had one of my favorite beers, so I was happy and got a six pack.  It was only when I got to the checkout that my humiliation continued. 

The lady checking me out grabbed my manly beer and looked at it.  "Seasonal brew... Isn't that short for 'beer with fruit in it?'" she asked with a questioning look in her eye.  What she really meant was "Isn't that beer a little effeminate for a big strong man like you?". 

I looked at my shoes and mumbled that it was for my wife in the closest thing to a deep, manly voice as I could muster. 

Her response, "Oh.  So this wine is for you?" .... again mocking my masculinity. 

I cleared my throat, and grunted that it was also for my wife. 

Smelling blood, she went for the kill.  "I'm guessing this Italian Grapefruit Soda is for her too?  She must really be thirsty!" 

"I don't know how that got in my basket. (realizing at that point that no self respecting man grabs the little basket things.  Men like carts.  Carts have wheels.  Wheels are manly.  If you can't carry it all in your hands, then you get a manly cart.)

"Oh.  I'll put that back on the shelf then."  She's just playing with me now... openly smiling and laughing at me. 

"No, that's okay.  I'm sure my wife will like it."

Holding up the baguette of French bread, "Your wife is hungry?"

"No.  That's mine."  finally cluing in that I'm not fooling anyone. 

Then she laughed out loud at me.  I laughed too.  I deserved it. My manly trip to the grocery was a complete failure.  She did have to get one last dig in.  "Do you need any help carrying those bags to your car, sir?" 

By this time, we're both cracking up laughing.  "Very funny.  Now I know why I shop here all the time.  I'm glad you don't charge extra for the sass."

 

Failure 4:  Having completely failed at being manly all night.  I went home, sat on the couch, played with the cats, drank my fruity beer and watched the least manly sport around... figure skating. 

 

Girlishly yours,

 

Pete