Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
December 14, 2005 | Issue 41•50
WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working
to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge
Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional
Monday.
Per the court order, city workers take down the Christmas tree from New
York's Rockefeller Plaza. "In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this
court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The celebration
of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving,
the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm
feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment
principles upon which this great nation was founded."
In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form,
Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has
ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Vacaciones Felices"
if they wish to extend good tidings.
Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were
mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.
"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot
said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. "Write to
your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to
you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"
Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're
fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no
choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."
Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met
with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their
holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.
"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News
personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't
hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it,
America, but I told you so."
Judge Stephen Reinhardt of the U.S. 9th Circuit of Appeals issues his
ruling. Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the
Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to
the United States and its retail stores.
The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's
ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would
mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject
their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.
"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy
said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in
any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive
holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any
foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."
America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal,
activist rulings.
"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said.
"I
made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it
to her."
Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door,
removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his
homemade card underfoot.
A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely
with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the
decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.
"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip
Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy
Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this
time." © Copyright 2005, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.The Onion is not
intended for readers under 18 years of age.
December 14, 2005 | Issue 41•50
WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working
to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge
Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional
Monday.
Per the court order, city workers take down the Christmas tree from New
York's Rockefeller Plaza. "In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this
court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The celebration
of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving,
the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm
feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment
principles upon which this great nation was founded."
In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form,
Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has
ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Vacaciones Felices"
if they wish to extend good tidings.
Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were
mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.
"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot
said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. "Write to
your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to
you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"
Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're
fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no
choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."
Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met
with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their
holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.
"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News
personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't
hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it,
America, but I told you so."
Judge Stephen Reinhardt of the U.S. 9th Circuit of Appeals issues his
ruling. Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the
Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to
the United States and its retail stores.
The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's
ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would
mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject
their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.
"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy
said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in
any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive
holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any
foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."
America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal,
activist rulings.
"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said.
"I
made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it
to her."
Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door,
removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his
homemade card underfoot.
A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely
with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the
decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.
"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip
Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy
Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this
time." © Copyright 2005, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.The Onion is not
intended for readers under 18 years of age.
1 comment:
Grumpy-J really wishes this one were true!
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